BLOG #4 FEARS… YOU DON’T SCARE ME!

It’s Tuesday evening and I’m writing my blog with a glass of red wine and kids so freshly put to bed I can’t get a bag of chips yet because the crinkle of the bag will create a reason for them to come to the top of the stairs to ask what I’m eating. I started writing blog earlier but it was not flowing out of me by any means, so I left it and when I came back to it tonight, I deleted the page I wrote… I may regret that since I need to finish my blog tonight.  I don’t want to just write for the sake of writing and if I feel something needs to be said I am rarely at a loss for words, so I will exercise some self compassion and do my best but not beat myself up if I miss my mark.  This self compassion thing is relatively new to me, it seems like this elusive thing we chase our whole and say we have because we don’t throw ourselves in front of the guilt bus. Who needs the throw themselves in front of the guilt bus, that freaking thing was tethered to my ankle. I like to call myself a recovering people pleaser, I kept my mouth closed to keep the peace and fought a war inside and I decided no more. I speak my truth all the time and I do my best to deliver it with kindness and tact. Honesty without tact is just cruel and that is not how I like to operate. So that being said, this post is going to be a soul bearing dose of honesty because I believe once you talk about what you are afraid of it’s a little less scary. Plus, if I tell you and it’s brought up down the line like it’s my little dirty secret, jokes on you. Here is point form are all my top 5 fears about starting this business.

  • Let’s get the most obvious out of the way, FAILURE. I promised my family that once I have built this business, we will travel extensively. I am telling businesses that a local business directory will help their business and provide focused exposure to the market they serve. I believe connecting the community is possible, what if I’m wrong?
  • I don’t have a university degree, I went to U of M for two years and studied languages (I speak two fluently and two as a tourist with charades that could get by) I ended up working for the provincial government with Driver Licensing offices as a student(STEP student term employment program) and was kept on full time after my 2nd summer with them. I guess this is called feeling like an imposter without the credentials, most days I know this isn’t the case but catch me after a rough day and this is close to the surface.
  • What if I attract more negative attention than I bargained for by speaking my truth? During the election I got a small taste of what it’s like to be seen and become a target for mean spirited crap online. I’m relatively thick-skinned and I am somewhat sensitive to being seen as unintelligent. See fear #2, but really nobody likes to feel dumb.
  • I am afraid of impacting my family negatively with my success or failure. I don’t want to forget my priorities as I chase my dream and be absent and miss being there for my family over the next couple years nor do I want business to be a financially drain and cause stress to my family as I struggle to get business off the ground. Will I know when to hold’em and know when to fold’em?
  • What if I screw up along the way so royally and I impact others negatively? I have always tried to live by the motto of “do no harm” so this would be a devastating blow. You don’t know what you don’t know and although it’s not an excuse it’s a reality I have to accept as I’ve never ran a business before.

Bonus fear)        I had some interesting comical past jobs and evoke a bit of embarrassment, I tree-planted in NW Ontario to pay for university, I sold vacuums and Cutco knives for living expenses during university as well, I literally had to bang a gong if I sold a vacuum, so cheesy.  I left my unionized provincial government job to become an independent financial planner with Primerica Financial Services, I did this for 2 years and then left for Calgary when my then boyfriend now husband got a job offer from the Fire Department. In the first month in Calgary I took a job as assistant manager of a Roger’s Video, if that doesn’t age me I don’t know what will.  These aren’t all my jobs but they are the ones that I get squeamish admitting to.

To be honest this wasn’t very hard to write, I think we could all come up with our fears without too much soul searching.  Fear insidiously invades our thoughts every day and causes us to doubt and question our every move sometimes.  Next week’s blog is going to be challenging as I am committing to writing what I’m proud of and believe has set me up to be successful. I’m already uncomfortable thinking of it. I’m not one to toot my own horn but I feel like I need to write it out for my own psyche after spilling my guts on my fears.  New fear just popped up, who would want to do business with someone that has fears 1 thru 5? Hit post anyways.

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